This was really interesting, well written & compelling. I think, though, you may have been expecting people to navigate an awkward situation (a friend’s pain and mortality, a friend’s mother’s fatal illness) with an acumen most people don’t possess. The fact that their awkwardness totally pales beside the magnitude of what you went through doesn’t mean that they knew what to do (or could be expected to know what to do) and just failed to do it.
You didn’t want them to avoid you and you didn’t want them to praise your perseverance. Perhaps your friend’s “snicker” about the surgery on your genitals was an attempt to banter back & forth with black humor?
It must be awful to feel deserted at such painful & vulnerable time. This is probably little consolation, but I wouldn’t be surprised if their egregious behavior had less to do with fear of death and more to do with awkwardness. Not knowing what to do and feeling intensely self-conscious is often the source of people avoiding others. That’s no excuse, but it is a sad reality.
Anyway — really interesting post. I look forward to reading more of your stuff.
I think most people are so afraid of saying the wrong thing to someone who is experiencing sickness or loss that they cut their losses and indulge in the easy way out by saying nothing. I don't have a lot of patience for this behavior, even if I can understand how people rationalize engaging in it and can very likely sleep well at night.
The ghosts will haunt. Allow yourself all the emotions and grieve the death of the friendship. They’re outside the inner circle.
Some people are simply selfish. I have a sibling who never initiates phone calls. Finally called me after almost four years into my illness after nine months of silence.
Others I can’t comprehend. If someone had a death, I showed up with a platter of individually wrapped homemade sandwiches with dietary ingredients written on them. Visit for a while and simply listen. You can complain to your fiancé that “no one told me what to do” and I get to think she’s a lazy bitch.
Glad you survived the Twitter nonsense and welcome to Substack.
I'm with Team Ehrenreich, but no one knows, really, until it's their time.
Being ghosted by friends while going through a family crisis was not something I expected from middle-aged people I'd known for years. I still miss some of them. I don't take it personally, though that took some time to get to.
This was really interesting, well written & compelling. I think, though, you may have been expecting people to navigate an awkward situation (a friend’s pain and mortality, a friend’s mother’s fatal illness) with an acumen most people don’t possess. The fact that their awkwardness totally pales beside the magnitude of what you went through doesn’t mean that they knew what to do (or could be expected to know what to do) and just failed to do it.
You didn’t want them to avoid you and you didn’t want them to praise your perseverance. Perhaps your friend’s “snicker” about the surgery on your genitals was an attempt to banter back & forth with black humor?
It must be awful to feel deserted at such painful & vulnerable time. This is probably little consolation, but I wouldn’t be surprised if their egregious behavior had less to do with fear of death and more to do with awkwardness. Not knowing what to do and feeling intensely self-conscious is often the source of people avoiding others. That’s no excuse, but it is a sad reality.
Anyway — really interesting post. I look forward to reading more of your stuff.
I think most people are so afraid of saying the wrong thing to someone who is experiencing sickness or loss that they cut their losses and indulge in the easy way out by saying nothing. I don't have a lot of patience for this behavior, even if I can understand how people rationalize engaging in it and can very likely sleep well at night.
Possibly the best thing I've read on social reactions to the big C 👌
Thanks, Mike!
I admire your ability to keep tabs.
The ghosts will haunt. Allow yourself all the emotions and grieve the death of the friendship. They’re outside the inner circle.
Some people are simply selfish. I have a sibling who never initiates phone calls. Finally called me after almost four years into my illness after nine months of silence.
Others I can’t comprehend. If someone had a death, I showed up with a platter of individually wrapped homemade sandwiches with dietary ingredients written on them. Visit for a while and simply listen. You can complain to your fiancé that “no one told me what to do” and I get to think she’s a lazy bitch.
Glad you survived the Twitter nonsense and welcome to Substack.
Thanks! You get it. I am definitely in a mourning process over how much my illness reorganized my life and my social ties.
I'm with Team Ehrenreich, but no one knows, really, until it's their time.
Being ghosted by friends while going through a family crisis was not something I expected from middle-aged people I'd known for years. I still miss some of them. I don't take it personally, though that took some time to get to.